Flowers for Nagini
by somedayangeline
Summary: Crabbe wants a new brain. Can the Potions Master help. Humor.


_Flowers for Nagini_: A parody 

_Sept. 6_,

_my name is Vincent Crabbe and I am a studint at Hogwarts in the Slytheren House. Today, I set my caldren on fire in Poshuns, but profeser snape didn't take points off. he took points of hermyonee grangur for being a no-it-all. hermyonee is a mugel, but she is smart. I wish I waz smart. Drako sez that if I weren't in slytheren, snape would take points off me for being so thic. Drako is my best fiend. my other best fiend is Gregory Goyle. he is not as smart as Drako, but I lick him, too. we had met each other befor we went to skool, but we relly got to be fiends after we met on the Hogwarts Express. _

_profeser snape is having me keep a dairy to see if I get any smarter. he is doin an expearimet on me to help me, mor later, dairy._

_Sept. 7_

_today, drako turned me into a blast ended skuwt at diner, but professor snape just sed no transfigurayshun in the dining hall, children, and he turned me back. then he told me to come to his offish after dinner. when I went up, there was a snack on the desk. snape told me his name was Nageeni, and he was going to do the expeeriment, too. I lick snacks a lot, and snape sez I can hold Nageeni anytime I want. Nageeni licks to be tickled. he is a kewl snack._

_Sept 13_

_today, I got threw poshuns without blowing anything up or melting my caldren. I even got my poshun to turn dark green witch it was suppozed to do! maybee next time I can even get it to look like hermyonee's. even Drako looked surprised when he saw my poshun. he asked who'd I copeed from, but I said no one. I don't think he believed me tho._

_Sept. 22_

_professer snape let me play with Nageeni today, when he gave me the poshun that is supposed to make me smarter. Nageeni used to be a regular snack, but now he can do advanced arthmancy like the fourth years. This is kewl. I can't do arithmancy myself becaz anything that has to do with numbers makes my brain hurt. Nageeni has been takin the poshun since June, and he is relly getting smart. snape says Nageeni is already way smarter than Harry Potter becuz Harry Potter is s dunderhead. I don't like Harry either becaz every time I set my caldron on fire, he laffs and so do his fiends! I hope someday _I _can be as smart as Nageeni. That way, no one would laff at me again._

_Sept. 25_

_today, my poshun turned bright pink and turned me into hat stand, which it was supposed to do! hermionee looked annoyed and asked me what I had dun to get it like that, but I didn't no. She was just mad because Harry and Ron both got detenshun for fooling around and flicking sqid tails at Drako and me. Served them rite! _

_After dinner, I went to see Nageeni again. He was correcting snape's homework essays. __I asked if he'd corrected myne, and he shook his tail. I asked him to go eezy, which was supposed to be a joke, but I kind of secretly meant it. snape sez that Nageeni is tales down the best teaching assistant he's ever had, and he should have thought of the poshun sooner._

_Oct. 2_

_today, I got my invisibility poshun done way before anyone else! all the slytherins were pleezed, but the gryffindors weren't becaz they like to laff at me for being thick. ha ha. snape even gave me points for doing this. hermionee looked ready to spit, she waz so mad. that waz too bad becaz she isn't that bad for a muggle. At least, she doesn't laff when I set my caldron on fire._

_Oct. 10_

_Nagini (that's the correct spelling) gave ,e an "E" on my last essay on the Uses and Abuses of Wormwood. I was so happy. I _never _get "E's". My father says I am the thickest child he has ever met, this kind of hurts my feelings, but I don't tell him because then he'd think I was really a loser. I don't want to be a loser anymore. I think the poshun is working becaz I feel smarter alreddy, and my brain doesn't hurt anymore when I rite in this diary._

_Oct. 14_

_I am so ashamed._

_Today, I realized that drako is not the friend I thought he was. all those tymes I thawt he_

_licked me, he was really laffing at me behind my back. ouch. what a meanie! I don't think I liked drako very much anymore. But at least crabbe is still cool. He doesn't laff at me. So maybe I will just hang around with him instead._

_Oct. 16_

_Today, I got two more "E's", one on my Herbology quiz, and another on my _

_Transfigeration essay! Professor McGonegal sed it would have been an "O" except I got points __off for spelling and grammer. Hermione kept giving me suspishous looks. She made me nervus. I think she nose something is up._

_Oct. 17_

_I wanted to stay mad at Draco, but he apologized and sed he was only kidding. So maybe he was, and I overreacted. I asked professer snape, and he said I shouldn't 'take anything Daco has to say persunally. Or if I do, to try a bat bogee hex on him._

_Anyway, Nagini is doing good. He lets me tickle him and drape him around my neck like a necklace. I asked Snape where he came from, but Snape just said that he is on loan from a friend. He didn't want to tell me anything else, so I didn't pursue the subject. He asked how I was doing, and I said a lot better. I don't have to rely on Draco to explain the homework for me anymore, which is cool. This must be how Hermione feels all the time._

_Oct. 22_

_Tonite I asked Professor Snape if he thought I was getting smarter, and he said, what do you think? So I said that I thought I was, and he agreed. Nagini is also getting smarter, and now he can even do muggel math like calculus. No one taught him this, he just read a book (he can read, too) and learned it. _

_Professor Snape told me their was a muggel horse called Clever Hans who could do math problems by tapping his hoofs, but what actually happened was that he was being cued by his handler. But Nagini is the real deal. I got to thinking, and I thought that maybe if anything happened to Professor Snape, I could watch Nagini for him._

_Oct. 22_

_Today, I got two "O's," one in the History of Magic and the other in Transfiguration. I could tell McGonagall was really stunned that me and Hermione got the highest marks on the test. She is too used to seeing me when I am dumb. She made me stay after class, and said that if I ever had any questions about future careers, I could ask her. (Or Snape.)_

_Oct. 27_

_It's almost Halloween, which even Muggles celebrate even tho it's a pagan holiday. Draco, Goyle and I are going to go into Hogsmead this weekend. I wonder if Hermionee will go with her friends, too. Don't tell anyone, but I kind of think she's cute. Even tho she's a muggel. I wouldn't tell Draco, tho, because he would laugh and make fun of us both._

_Oct. 30_

_It is offishal. I am in love._

_Today, Hermionee and I bumped into each other in Hogsmeade. She was waiting for _

_Harry and Ron, and I was waiting for Draco and Goyle. We were near the statue of Nikolas Flannel. She wasn't going to talk to me, so I spoke first and asked her how she was. Well, she was surprised! But she started talking, and we had a conversation until Harry and Ron came stomping over looking annoyed. I don't know what was up with them, tho. If I'd asked, they would have said it was none of my bisness._

_Anyway, Hermioney (her name's impossible to spell, even tho I'm smarter) said that maybe she should work next to me in Potions because I really seemed to know what I was doing lately. I said she could if she wanted, but she said no, she had to keep an eye on Harry and Ron and make sure they didn't accidentally melt their caldrons._

_Nov. 1_

_There is something I have always wanted to do, but never had the nerve before. I want to apologize to Hermione for laffing at her last year when Drako and Harry were trying spells on each other, and her teeth wound up growing really fast so that she looked like a beaver. Professor Snape wasn't very nice to her, and she ran out of the room in tears. Even tho I pretended to laugh, I kind of felt bad too at the same time. Anyway, her teeth are all straight and normal size now and she looks a lot better. I think Ron has a crush on her, too, but he's too shy to say anything._

_I decided to write Hermionie a note. I hope she doesn't get mad if I misspell her name. Here goes._

_Nov. 2_

_Tonight I went to Professor Snape's office and Nagini was playing with a nine-sided Rubik Cube, which is a Muggel toy. Nagini lined up all the sides so that the colors all matched in less than two minutes! He is a cool snake._

_Professor Snape said that he was going to tell me a secret, and I couldn't tell anyone, not even Draco. So I said I would keep it, and he said that Nagini belongs to You Know Who!!!!_

_Naturally, I wanted to know why he was keeping Nagini here if this was true. He said that You-Know-Who is on a special trip abroad, and he asked Snape to snake-sit. He doesn't know about the smart potion, tho, it is a surprise._

_I asked if Snape was sure that You-Know-Who would approve, and he said that this was just an experiment, and by the time You-Know-Who got back, Nagini would be back to his usual self. I didn't think that seemed fair, tho I didn't say it._

_Nov. 4_

_Hermione got my letter. She said that it was all ok, and she was over that a long time ago. I asked her if she showed it to Ron and Harry, and she said no. Then we went for a walk around the lake, and we even spotted the giant squid. Then I went to take the potion. Nagini was there, and he was reading a Muggel book called _War and Peace_. I asked Professor Snape why he was reading a Muggel book, and he said that Nagini had already read all the magic books that he'd lent him. I looked at the book, but it looked way long and boring. I asked Professor Snape if that meant I wasn't so smart after all, but he said no, there were different types of intelligence and even smart Muggels didn't tend to read books like _War and Peace.

_Then I told him about Hermione, and he said that even tho she is an insufferable know-it-all, she has her head on strait and is the least annoying of the trio of Harry, Ron and her. I was surprised because I thought Snape didn't like her, but he said he wouldn't be doing her any favors by giving her preferential treatment. Whatever that meant. I asked if I could tell Hermione what he'd said, but Snape said no._

_Then I admitted that I was in love with her, and he just nodded. I wonder if he's ever been in love himself. I doubt it. It's odd: none of the professors here are married or have kids or anything. That is pretty strange. I can see maybe the ones like Dumbledore who are like a gazillion years old or the ones who are ghosts like Professor Binns, but the others? Don't they ever get kind of lonely? I just can't see going through my life as an adult without a family. _

_Nov. 9_

_I haven't written for awhile because there's so much else going on. First off, Draco told me that Professor Snape used to be in love with Harry's mum when they were both at Hogwarts. But I think he is just pulling my leg. Why would Snape possibly be in love with Harry's mum? That doesn't make sense at all. But then I thought about it, and I thought that maybe he hates Harry because his mum did something mean to him that he didn't like. But it's really none of my business._

_Secondly, You-Know-Who is coming a month from now, so Snape has to turn Nagini back into an average snake. I will hate to see that happen. Maybe I should snakenap Nagini, but then You-Know-Who would be angry, and that wouldn't be so good. Besides, what would I do with Nagini once I'd got him? _

_Today, I got an owl from mum and dad, and they said they were pleased with my marks. __They sent me 500 Galleons so that I could buy anything I wanted. I am going to buy a new Nimbus 2000, just like Draco's. I thought Goyle would be really jealous, but he says he's probably going to get one for Christmas, too. That will be way cool if he does._

_Nov. 12_

_My new Nimbus 2000 came by owl today, and Harry and Ron and a bunch of Gryffindors were sooo jealous. It serves them right! I told Hermione that she could try out the broom, but she said that that was okay, but she'd pass. Girls are so confusing. Maybe she is just waiting for me to snog her. I dunno. Mum and Dad would be furious if I dated a Muggle._

_Nov. 13_

_Lately, Nagini has been acting mopey. Professor Snape says the potion might be starting to wear off. That would be too bad if it did. I hope it does not wear off on me, too. _

_At breakfast, I got an Howler from dad who had found out somehow about Hermione, and he really let me have it. He says I can't see her anymore, and that he is doing this for my own good, but I don't believe him. I think he is just prejudiced against Muggles, but prejudice like that is wrong. Maybe I will keep hanging out with Hermione anyway. But I don't want to get another Howler again. _

_I told Professor Snape about this, and he said he would tell me a secret, if I promised to keep it and not tell anyone, even Draco. So I said I would, and he told me that he and Harry's mum were friends, and he and a crush on her, but they quarreled because she thought he was prejudiced against Muggles like the rest of the Slytherins. She was a Muggle herself, _

_I was very surprised when he told me this because he doesn't know me that well, and Draco is more his favorite. Poor guy. It's funny, but you never think about teachers having a personal life, apart from teaching. I wonder if I should become a teacher someday. But I don't know what I'd teach._

_Nov. 16_

_Draco and I had a talk today. He said as my best friend, he had to let me know that hooking up with Hermione was not a good idea at all. Hermione is a know-it-all Muggle. He actually called her a _Mudblood_, but I told him that if he did that again, I would turn him into a dung beetle. So he didn't. But he was really nasty about Hermione, so I told him that he was just jealous because she gets better marks even though she's a Muggle, and we're both purebloods._

_Then I told him to get lost. I think I surprised him, but it served him right!!!_

_Nov. 17_

_Draco apologized and said he was only trying to look out for me. He said that if I really wanted to date Hermione, I could, and he wouldn't tell his dad or anything, but he still didn't approve. He said that I should hook up with Millicent Bulstrode instead, but she isn't hot at all, even though she's not a Muggle._

_Tonight Nagini was kind of depressed. Professor Snape said he has stopped doing the Rubik Cube and reading. He tried to interest him in learning to knit, as he borrowed some of Dumbledore's patterns, but Nagini refused to even try. Poor fellow. I put him around my neck and tickled him the way he likes, but he still didn't cheer up. I'd brought him some Fizzing Whizbees because those are his favorite candy, but he only ate two. _

_On the way back to the dorm, I had a thought. Maybe Nagini knows that You-Know-Who __is going to take him back, and he doesn't want to go. I don't blame him. If I were a snake, I wouldn't want to belong to You-Know-Who. I should probably be very careful about saying that, but it is true._

_Nov. 18_

_I have been avoiding writing this down, but I have to be honest. I think the potion is __starting to wear off, at least a little. I told Professor Snape, and he had me double it. I asked if that would fix everything, and he said we'd have to wait and see._

_Nov. 22_

_I took the doubled potion dose, but I still don't feel as sharp as I used to. Before I did the __experement, he said that this might happen, so I would be prepared. But I'm not prepared! I don't want to be dumb again. I want to be smart like Hermione, like I am now. I want Mum and Dad to keep being proud of me. It's not fair!  
_

_Nov. 25_

_Hermione caught up to me today and asked what was wrong. I was too embarrassed to __tell her right then, so I would meet her by the gazebo by the lake. It is too cold now for anyone to be hanging out there, so I knew we would have privacy._

_When she came, she looked so concerned that I just blurted out everything. I told her about the experiment and Snape and Nagini and how the potion was wearing off, so I was getting dumb again. And also, I said, my mum and dad don't want me dating a Muggel. Is that what _you_ want, she asked, and I said I didn't know. Then she burst into tears and walked away. I wanted to go after her, but I didn't._

_Nov. 28_

_Professor Snape has been trying various things to see if he can adjust the poshin, but I don't think it's going to do any good. I dont have the heart to say anything, tho._

_Dec. 2_

_Everyone is getting nervus about exams before the long vacation. As for me, I cant stop feeling bad about Hermonie. I asked professor snape if he would make me a poshun to forget her, but he said no. He said that this was something I'd get over on my own in time. I hate when grownups act so superior, like everything that happens to us has never happened to them. Besides, I think he's still in love with Harry's mum even if she is dead. _

_Ever since Hermionee and me had that meeting, Harry and Ron have been glaring at me and my friends a lot lately in poshuns and in the dining hall. I think they think I did or said something really meen, but I didn't. I didn't say anything. I just stood there like a dolt. But I didn't know what to say. _

_Drako said that this had nothing to do with being dum or smart, it was just how it was when you were dealing with girls. I asked him if _he _ever got tongue-tyed with Pansy Parkinson. He said no, but it didn't mean he always knew what to say to her. He said that she always wanted to talk about feelings, and she got annoyed if he didn't, too. Girls are so wierd._

_Dec. 6_

_Today, we got some lite snow. I went to see Nagini, and he had perked up a bit. He still helps Professor Snape grade the homework, but he isn't as quick as it as he used to be. He mostly lies around and reeds romance novels. he is a fan of the American riter Daniel Steel. this after _war and peace_; its too bad._

_Dec. 11_

_today, I set my caldrun on fire, and professor snape had to send a jet of water from his wand to put it out. I apologized but he just sed don't worry about it. hermionee looked surprised too but she didn't say anything. _

_Dec. 13_

_today, I went into see professor snape and to get the poshun, even tho its not working anymore really, and he told me that nageeni has stopped reeding and riting, so he cant help snape correct the homework anymore. that is a shayme. I put nageeni around my neck, and he cheered up a little, but I could tell he wasn't that happy. _

_Dec. 18_

_today, I had to copee drako's homework for the first time in ages. I know hermionee wouldn't approve, so im glad we broke up. besides she is a muggel, and muggels are inferior to pureblood wizards. so it wouldn't have worked out. at least that is how I think now. _

_Dec. 22_

_I am definitlee getting dummer. But professer snape said there is really no correlation between being smart and being happy. He was the hogwarts valadictorean when he was in skewl but he wasn't all that happy. he didn't say why but I bet it waz becaz of harry's mum just wanting to be a fiend. he also put the unbrakeable vow on me, so if I tell anyone besides my dairy, I will get in truble, so I wont._

_Dec. 24_

_Today the Dark Lord returned to pik up Nageeni, and he was very angry at professor snape for doing the experement. He asked what I was doing their and professor snape just sed I had a queshun about the final. So he told me to leeve, but I listened with an extendible ear and herd him threaten snape. he sed if he ever did anything like this agen, he would be sorree, and then he took nageeni and apparayted off. _

_I went back in and asked professer snape if he was ok, and he sed yes. he told me to run along to bed, too, so I did becaz their wasn't anything else I could do. _

_Dec. 31_

_I reely licked Nageeni. He was a kewl snack. Too bad You-No-Who took him back. I would've licked to have kept on seeing him._

_professer snape sez that if I want, he can work on the poshun again to make me smart agin, but I told him that I waz fine the way I waz. hermionee is mad at me becaz she dozn't understand, but that is ok, too. mum and dad would kill me if I kept dayting her. so I won't. drako sez she will now look down on me for being dum, but at least I will have him for a fiend. and goyle, too._

_Yesterday, professer snape told me that he was sory the experiment failed. He sed that if I ever want to try it again, to let him know. So maybe someday, I mite get smart agin, just not rite now. rite now, I guess I am still dum. but it was worth it meeting Nageeni. he was a kewl snack. _

_Crabbe's diary ends here._


End file.
